I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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