Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
They are going to name an STD after you.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Randomize