I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
