You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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