nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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