I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
