Betty ford says i'm here all night
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Randomize
