So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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