Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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