I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
he's gonorrhea incarnate
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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