seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
