Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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