how can u be prego again
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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