What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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