Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
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