so explain again why im purple
no
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
