Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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