hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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