you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
