He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
