I got chris browned last night
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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