He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
