Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
