Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
This couple is walking their pig around campus
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
