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My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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