Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
