Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
