I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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