WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You ruined the universe
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