how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
