The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
