hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
