we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize