I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize