I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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