Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
