I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize