Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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