you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
