I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
