ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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