So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
