sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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