Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
