I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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