yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I need to align my fucking chakras
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
