u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize