i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
