I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
