my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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