The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
