Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
