Are we in a gay sports bar?
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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