While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
